Ponderings

Oh brother …

Best laid plans, right? I was hemming and hawing about how many times I should post to my blog, whether it should be every week or every other week, etc. And here I am, going sooooo long without even posting a thing! Alas … Life carried me away. Was that it? No, that doesn’t feel right. How about I didn’t know what to post about? Hmmm…. no, not that either. I think probably a paralyzed feeling due to grief and loss. Yeah, that feels better. Within the past 16 months, my mom died, all three of my pets died (Stormy and Lilly, my greyhounds, and my bird, Henry), and my oldest daughter moved out to her first apartment (on Mother’s Day weekend).

My mom was very ill, my animals were very old, and my daughter was obviously going to leave the nest. All expected .. and yet not. It doesn’t matter how well you think you are prepared for something, you’re just not. It is impossible for you – and me – to get into the head space of what something is going to feel like until you are in the midst of it. For example, Stormy was declining. And when that final day came on May 8, it was anticipated. And yet the finality was brutal and cruel.  When, mom died, that was massive. When Lilly died, I still had Henry and Stormy. When Henry died, I still had Stormy. But when Stormy died … It took me 3 weeks to even remove his bed from my room. I found I had to remove triggers one at a time, very slowly. For all signs of him to vanish abruptly would have been just too much.

Things are OK, and I’m adjusting to my new schedule. I don’t have to get up as early, but I do anyway. The years have trained me. My youngest daughter is still around – home from college for the summer. And I can visit my oldest daughter. So that’s good. I feel a lightening, little by little, and I feel my time becoming unencumbered with needing to get home before there is an accident and whatnot. It’s a mixed bag. But that’s life. There’s no escaping the change, death and pain that goes along with all that, to whatever degree you experience that. All will be well … but that’s where I’ve been. I think I’m back now!

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